Ever wonder if we dream in keeping with our sexual preferences? I do, with few
exceptions. Oh I have the occasional very heterosexual dream ... but I never
dream that I'm living the American dream. No 2.5 children with a Volvo and husband who drinks beer and belches.
I was thinking about what the Gay American Dream must be, and aside from those of us who campaign endlessly for human rights, I was curious as to what exactly the G.A.D. (Gay American Dream) was. So I did a survey, both here in New Orleans and on the Internet...this is what I found out.
The G.A.D. is very much like the "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" idea that we are all taught in this American culture, but with a twist.
Of all the people surveyed, most talked about wanting to live their lives openly. "I want to be able to walk down the street and hold my lover's hand without getting stared at or heckled." Many talked about wanting their long-term relationships to be recognized financially as well as socially. They wanted "to be treated like a married couple" in their banking, income tax, real estate purchases, etc.
Several younger gay people said they wanted their families to accept them. These individuals had often experienced being thrown out of the house when they came out to their folks. Yes, this is still happening with too great a regularity.
Younger lesbians frequently said they had no problems with their lives, giving yet more credence to the invisibility of women's relationships...although some reported living double lives at their jobs and at home.
One surprising answer to the G.A. D. question came from a 30 year old lesbian. She wanted to see Ellen taken off the air because she said it embarrassed her to have her friends think she was like that.
Her answer made me curious, so I tuned into Ellen a couple of times and I think I understood her comment. Ellen's sexuality continues to be a big theme in the show...but Ellen portrays herself stuck in the lesbian insanity period, that phase early on in a new relationship when we are all seized with puppy-love and are hot to trot every minute. To me, Ellen's love life is stuck...after a year, it's time to move on to what a real every-day relationship is like...but I guess that won't draw audiences to her show.
Let's face it, many of us are living fairly standard lives. We get up every morning and go to work. We wash our clothes and clean our houses. We grocery shop; go to the dentist; watch TV. Those of us who are coupled-up go through the ups and downs of relationships...the difference being the fact that we never forget that we are not standard in the eyes of the world we live in.
But the emotions we feel are not any different from anyone else's. We love; we get angry; we laugh; we cry; we learn ... now at the risk of sounding like an Alanis Morrisette song, let me say that we react just the way our "programming" has taught us to react...where we differ from our programming is when we make the choice of who love.
Now I really don't want to get into a major philosophical discussion of why we make the choices we do, so suffice it to say that it is that choice that changes everything for us ... it is what makes the G.A. D. a few degrees different from the plain American Dream.
Which brings me back to my survey...
More than a few women said that they had experienced job discrimination because they "didn't look like blonde bimbos." Even some very feminine lesbians said that their treatment on the job was or would be different if their sexual orientation was made public. "I would not be a department head if it were known I was a lesbian," was one reply.
I suppose for as much as things have changed, they have really changed very little. Several gay men wanted to find more long-lasting relationships...many men and women worried about later life-who would they be with or would they be alone. Lesbians with children joking said that they planned to be a burden to their offspring in their later lives.
One comment that was listed over and over again was that homosexuality was often treated like either a disease or a joke and those surveyed wanted to be recognized as the happy, healthy, contributing members of society that we are. (Amen to that, sisters and brothers).
To recap, I think my survey revealed one important fact about the G.A. D.-we did not take it for granted that it would but an easy one to achieve and we never, ever forget what we are up against in this very prejudiced world.
I'm glad I did the survey because it is clear that lesbians and gay men, bisexuals and transgendered people no longer feel so isolated. Even Ellen's puppy-love stage was viewed as a good thing, not a bad.
But in reality, most people who took a minute to think about the G.A. D. believed that it was an elusive thing. A few felt that they had achieved segments of it, but no one thought that they were living it. No Cinderella stories.
The G.A. D. is as different as we each are...but it's common thread was freedom, equality, human rights, the right to live openly and without being the focus of discrimination.
As one respondent said, "I never forget that I'm gay. And it's not because I have a rainbow decal on my truck or because I socialize with other gay people. lt's because I seldom let my guard down and I've had to learn how to negotiate life so I am not a target."
That answer made me stop and think. I guess one important aspect of the G.A.D. would be invisibility...not like in the past when we lived in the closet, but a new kind of acceptance that would make our choices ordinary, no cause for fanfare, no negative repercussions...in other words, the G.A. D. would not be any different from the American Dream-whatever that is.
But our difference also gives us the edge on a lot of things...it helps keep us from being complacent; it gives us courage and insight; it keeps us aware.
What's your G.A.D.? Think about it. We all have one and if asked about it one day by an inquiring mind, you might want to have an answer. Of course, some would rather not think about it because it gives us pause to reflect on who we are and why.
Reflection is healthy...better than an apple a day...and it makes our minds razor-sharp in an otherwise blurry world.
Your homework assignment is to think about your dreams...and to start living them.
