BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA

Cary C. Lights Up Spanish Town - Again

Lightning DOES strike twice according to Cary C. It all started out on a very happy note, but before the night was over, a soot-covered, nude Cary C. was propped up outside his digs with the neighbors looking at two eyeballs and some white teeth.

Let's start at the beginning. As most of you know, our Cary C. has had long locks for a number of years, sometimes in a tail, sometimes in all its full glory. Well, on this particular day, the master hair stylist, Finis of Arkansas, did a magnificent cut to the shaggy one. They were out at George's when I ran into them. It was a shock to look over and see such a masterpiece of perfection as the great Finis of Arkansas had created. They were all smiles, and Cary C. was just a picture of newness, stylish to the max.

Well, the drinks flowed, the happiness continued into the night, and then it was time to go home. Now you must remember that our Cary C. lives in the old Spanish Town firehouse, and you may also recall that a couple of years ago a faulty water heater set the place ablaze. Everyone in the neighborhood came to the rescue with the sympathy and all the "thank goodness you're alive" comments.

This time, the charismatic Cary C. was about to experience the same thing again, but it was a little more severe than the previous episode. In fact, everyone thought he was burnt to a crisp, just a black body sitting outside the front door. Now Cary C. has nothing to be ashamed of in the lower abdominal region, but you would think someone would have covered him up, which they did finally, but Cary C. was a magnificent sight in black-EVERYTHING in full view.

This continued on to the hospital, where he was treated, given some breathing aids, and after the treatment was over, the poor child was wheeled out to the lobby area by the telephones. Now, everyone, listen up. Where the hell does a naked man stash away a quarter for a phone call, or where would he keep that insurance card they asked for earlier? Remember now, our Cary C. has been naked since he threw off those clothes and crawled in bed. Honestly! These people had a number to call all along, but for some reason they didn't seem to be able to poke those little numbers.

Finally a frustrated Cary C. started screaming at the top of his homosexual voice, and this alerted one of the orderlies, or underlings, or whoever, and he was wheeled back to the same room he had been examined in, allowed to call for a ride home, and was even given a pair of running pants that had been brought to the hospital earlier by a friend.

It's now daylight. Cary C. is taken to the home of a friend, but this friend has to go somewhere, so CC gets cleaned up, put to bed and ordered to stay away from cigarettes-at least until said friend's return.

A still slightly wheezing Cary C. told me all about his plight, and I was, of course, horrified, but I did think you would all want to know about our friend and fellow homosexual who is progressing quite well, or recovering, I should say. He did ask me to pass along thanks to several people who helped him tremendously during his ordeal. He is especially gratefully to Ernie, Bruce (the straight one), Finis, Noel, and Miss Perkins. They each did so much for him. Any others who were in his presence are not at the present time identifiable due to the amount of stress and nudeness our Cary C. experienced. He would like to express appreciation to all his neighbors who got to see his penis, but other than that, he's just happy to be alive.

Now on another note, let me tell you about the wonderful Rose over at the Mirror Lounge. I stopped in there to see how their renovation was progressing. I was amazed at the change, and I stayed longer than I had planned, but then when you have the Lady Rhonda there, you just know you are in the company of a precious sweetheart. She has so many tails-oops-tales to share with all of you about the great Rose. I heard a few of them, but I'm not sure how I can put what she said into the proper words for a family newspaper. I'm going to schedule a private meeting with the fantastic Lady so she can share ALL the scoop with me. I feel some really hot tails coming on as only the Lady can recall them.

Everyone was on break eating some special Mexican food, but they needed this break. The interior is completely changed. It really is mirrored now, making the interior look twice the normal size. I do need to tell you about one of the workers there. His name is Michael, and he is a little cutie-pie. From the western part of our state to the land of the great politicians, sweet Michael has arrived. I'm not sure if he is a permanent fixture at this establishment or not. I was thrilled to see such a lovely young man working his buns off to bring about the improvements at the Mirror. Of course, Tony, Jeff and Danny were also there, so with all this talent in one place, you can only imagine the outcome. Go by and check it out. It's really going to be nice.

I ran into Obry (of Traditions) and his wonderful significant other at my favorite Mexican restaurant in Citiplace recently. It's always nice to see him, and his other half is exceptionally nice. After all this time, it was my first introduction to the special one. Leonard of movie fame was also a customer on this particular night, and he also had a terrible experience after returning home. I learned the following morning that his place had been burglarized again-two weeks in a row. The house was secure, but the things in his garage were not. It must have been more than one person. The heavy items stolen had to be lifted over a high fence.

I also stopped in at the Blue Parrot and got to chat with two of Baton Rouge's outstanding bartenders, Steve and Greg. Ron was there as was the great playwright Darren C. Goins. By the time you read this, his solo performance will have taken place. This is a talented young man. I really see great things in his future. Louisiana Goins. Georgia Goins. Oh, well! They don't have the same ring as Tennessee, but one never knows. Maybe he will just stick with the regular name. Whatever the case, the talent is the same. Mark my words! He's going places in the world of theater!

Have you all seen the great decorations over at the Time Zone? These boys have really done the place up right. They're looking forward to a great Valentine party, and, of course, they'll be packed for Mardi Gras and the Spanish Town Parade, which takes place on Sat., Feb. 21.

For those of you who may be interested, one of our supportive friends at the Advocate, one Smiley Anders, will be married again, and he's claiming the biggest wedding celebration in this city's history-the Spanish Town Parade, of course. What more could a local resident ask for? And check out all those pink flamingos around the area. This bird of choice is the stylish marker for many residences both in the yard and gracing balconies. Oh, but we've come a long way!

Check out the Hide-A-Way schedule for the holiday period. They've got lots of good things working, including the Robyn E Band and the Miss Hide-A-Way Pageant. There's never a dull moment at this super bar.

The Krewe of Apollo Baton Rouge's Bal Masque XVII is on target for Feb. 6. Many of you already have your table or balcony seats, but if you still need a ticket or two, go by Hibiscus Bookstore and make your purchase. Check out the new locally-made jewelry on display. It's from "One in Ten." The owners of this company are two of the sexiest guys around and will be sitting at the king's table this year.

Feb. 7 will also be a big day for the Krewe of Apollo. Both the Royalty Party and the Captain's Party will take place at Desiree's in their new and fantastic restaurant on Main Street. Also on this date are three balls-Royal Order of Unicorn in Lafayette, Shreveport's Krewe of Apollo, and Birmingham's Krewe of Apollo.

The Krewe of Hedon is not having a ball this year. It's called a "bash," and it will be at the new (straight) king's home. It seems royalty waited a little too late to get everything off the ground, and the big party for them has turned into a small one. However, this krewe will be doing it up right in their spectacular float. They always manage to be the standout participants in the Spanish Town Parade. Chalk another one up to gay originality-with a little straight help along the way.

I must tell you something disgusting (or at least it was to me), and it occurred at the Krewe of Apollo Lafayette's recent ball in the dome. As you know, this krewe parades around the dome so that everyone can get closeup looks at their fabulous costumes. What I found disgusting at this year's event was in the form of a straight (and I use the term loosely here) woman across the aisle from where I was sitting. She stood on her chair most of the night, and as the floats carrying the participants went by, she would wiggle her little hiney and grab a feather or two for her own enjoyment.

Well, bitch-let me tell you something. I doubt if you will ever read this column, but just in case someone does know you and gets you a copy of Ambush, let me impress on you how expensive these feathers are. But it's not the expense that matters as much as the way you ignored the pleas to stop doing this. After being told by one of the studs pushing the floats to stop plucking the feathers, you put them over your pussy and did a little dance for him. How ignorant and stupid can you be! I was embarrassed for you, but you just kept showing your ass to the delight of all your tablemates. I guess it just doesn't take very much to amuse any of you. We, of the more cultured variety, found you to be quite tacky.

Well, enough of that! But I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mention those three exceptionally obnoxious fat gals at that seafood place on Lee Dr. It was past noon and most of the crowd had gone, so Al joined me for a nice, and what we thought would be, a quiet dinner. There were only four occupied tables in our area and the loudness at the fat table was ridiculous. I must tell you, I've seen gluttonous people in my time, but these three must have thought they were at a hog trough. They were loud and tasteless and probably had just come in from the back forty and definitely NOT the forty our Mr. Butt Beautiful of 1998 rides around in.

I guess what I'm trying to emphasize here is just a simple way of letting all of you know what we of the happy variety have known all along. We have class (even when we're drunk and obnoxious), we don't get loud or show our ass in public (unless our apartment is on fire and we have a big penis), and we definitely know how to act when we are in restaurants and at community functions. WE don't have to shout our way into the record books. We keep everything within the family. We manage to set our records with great finesse and personal pride.

People like I've described at the ball and the restaurant are heterosexuals. Think about that, happy friends. Most heterosexuals suck! And THEY think we're the odd ones!