The beat goes on and on and on.
“Gooning” is often reduced to “excessive masturbation.” What does that even mean, anyway, “Excessive”? The hours spent trolling through Pornhub, scouring pages of sex until you find the “right” scene to release yourself, could be considered excessive masturbation. I mean, how many times have you been late for work because you couldn’t find the one perfect goddamned scene worthy of your load? “Oh, I’m the only one?”
Gooning is so much more than the wank ‘n wiggle most of us do before work and/or at lunch and/or before bed. It surpasses the average bate sesh to the point of transcendence.
If you are over 40, right about now, you’re probably thinking: Gooning? Da Fuq. Who comes up with this shit? Well, I’ll tell you.
According to my completely biased and unscientific research, the origins of Gooning took off as a digital culture thing in 2023 due to the Covid-19 pandemic. Interviews with Gooning community leaders explain that during lockdown, (primarily) guys wanted new ways to masturbate and to make solo sex more fulfilling & exciting.
Humans, however, are not wired for solo sex, especially men. Flip through a few pages of Greek history or sign on to Sniffies at 2 am, and you’ll find that men have an inclination to masturbate with other men. We can’t help it. It’s in our nature. Group masturbation is a homoerotic ritual that men instinctively seek as we become of age.
Under quarantine, masturbating at home alone all day wasn’t cutting it. Horny boys on lockdown searched for other horny boys to share the experience with. Eventually, those searches stumbled across Gooning. Rather than attribute Gooning to be a byproduct of another kink or fetish, Gooning began to emerge as a kink of its own. A few slippery keystrokes later saw Zoom Goon Rooms and social media communities develop where like-minded ‘bators could virtually get together and go ham.
What does Gooning look like? Picture it: It’s been four hours, and you find yourself in an edging session that you don’t want to end, when you’re completely hypnotized by the feeling radiating from your penis. Where your dick is mightily aroused, and the slightest caress of your genitals triggers potent elation. So you keep edging until you become entranced, as your mind intimately merges with your cock, to the point where you and your dick become one. When your body becomes, for all intents and purposes, an appendage of your erection. Sound familiar?
Have you Gooned accidentally? How do you know if you’ve crossed the line from enthusiastic ‘bator to Goon?
You know you’ve reached the Goon state when you are so dick-matized that, for the moment, you are freed from all social codes of conduct, and your actions are controlled only by your arousal. Your other head is doing all the thinking.
When Gooning, it isn’t uncommon to become overly vocal and demonstrative. Your body and face may take on undignified expressions and poses in response to the ecstasy your penis is exposed to with every stroke. Hence the term “goon”. Be honest. Has this been you or you and your buddies? If so, you a Gooner.
To the uninitiated, the act or thought of Gooning may seem extreme. To whom I say, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It turns out I’ve been a DL Gooner for years but didn’t know it. Thanks to Urban Dictionary, this generation’s label-maker, we know we’re Gooners, and I’m okay with it. Of the many things I’ve been called, a “Gooner” is pillow talk in comparison.
If you identify as a Gooner, be proud. There is no shame in the game. In fact, the Gooning subculture is growing. And we have only ourselves to thank.
The internet provides an endless array of porn to peruse. Putting aside the proclivities of the male species, logistically, to grasp a healthy concept of today’s sexual spectrum, it’s arguably necessary to spend hours between edging/erection and release/orgasm researching in the name of personal awareness and education. Gooning is an artifact of modern times and plentiful porn.
Now seems a good time to remind those who need it that, medically speaking, there is no masturbation addiction; it is a compulsion. If you think you’re masturbating too much, just pull back a little.
Still, Gooners beware: As with every other good goddamned thing on the planet, there will be those who object to any time spent pleasing ourselves.
Unsurprisingly, protesters of ‘bating/Gooning seem to belong to the unique segment of the population that doesn’t suck dick, eat pussy, touch their own genitalia, or get laid. Any supporter of that mindset is the very last motherfucker I would take sexual advice from.
Haters consider ‘bators to be narcissists. We’re not. Narcissism is extreme selfishness and a grandiose view of one’s talents. Gooning is less about self-worship and closer to a meditation experience, where the mind and body align to focus on a single thought/feeling.
The benefits of traditional meditation are proven and well-documented. While Gooning is still too much of a subculture to have had extensive studies or data collected, some reports show that Gooning does have its benefits. Such as:
● Intense, full-body orgasms (The longer you Goon, the more powerful the climax).
● Stress and anxiety reduction (Prolonged pleasure exposure releases endorphins that calm and relax the mind and body.)
● Increased intimacy with your partners (Gooning together builds trust and communication around desire and limits).
● Improved body connection (You become finely tuned to arousal signals and how to manipulate them).
● Heightened sensuality (Your senses feel intensely heightened, especially touch. Daily activities become charged with eroticism.)
● Self-discovery (Discover new kinks or interests. The Gooning trance can awaken hidden fantasies and unexplored interests).
These are impressive benefits by anyone’s standard, scoring 6 big runs for Team Goon. Do you want to join the roster and play with the Gooning pros? Here are 10 tips and suggestions to get you swinging with the majors in no time.
1. Set aside a couple of hours free from social or personal obligations. No need to explain or justify it to anyone. You’re an adult.
2. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to go about it.
3. It’s okay to go solo. If you’re feeling adventurous, add a partner or join a group. The possibilities are yours to discover.
4. Leave your ego in the hamper with your clothes. Gooning is a judgment-free zone.
5. Stock up on lube. The good stuff. Leave the sticky water-soluble shit for teenagers.
6. Have paper towels, a grease-cutting spray cleanser, and an astringent within reach. The paper towels and cleanser are for your keyboard, mouse, remotes, speakers, etc. The astringent is to wipe your oily face once things get rolling.
7. Hydrate.
8. You can explore Gooning using your hands, mouth, toys, or any other preferred form of stimulation. Wrap your balls with electrodes and aluminum foil and give your dick a shock that would impress Gruesome Gertie. (Sidebar: Gruesome Gertie is the name death row inmates gave the Louisiana electric chair.)
9. The key to Gooing is to find what excites you and what would enhance your experience. Explore and experiment, and when you find it, let your freak flag fly!
10. I’m serious about the astringent. Wipe that face, girl. Should Karen call the cops for whatever reason, don’t be greasy when the Po Po come knocking. Cops might overlook the loaded revolver next to your 12 inch dildo, but nothing says ‘guilty’ like a sweaty, oily mug.
Thank you for reading. Until next time. Please drop me a line with your comments, hate mail, or suggestions for future posts at RockfordfilesNYC@gmail.com
